As you can see I have updated lots recently... honestly that is because I really have nothing else to do these days. It's really sad when you look forward to your daily morning workout, getting your parents mail (and secretly wishing that you have something addressed to you thrown in the pile) and watching the evening news... Yes that describes my life right now.
It would be a lie if I told you I was loving life right now and living it up because the truth is I'm not. If you know me you know I am not one to be content sitting on the couch day after day spending precious time watching worthless tv shows. I am ambitious and always like having a task. I guess that has been my role the past four summers... I spent 2 working at Young Life Camps and part summer school and 2 summers working at Camp Greystone... all of which required all my time and energy.
I knew this summer was going to be tough for a number of reasons... #1 being the fact that this will be the first summer after I've graduated from college... time to move on. So back in January this thought crossed my mind knowing that after college the main goal was to start graduate school and pursue child life. Well, I thought I would probably have the summer free if I choose the grad school option and even if that wasn't the plan I would have something to do during the summer. I applied for a Young Life internship and really thought there was a great possibility that it would work out, which it didn't.. and after that option failed I looked into Greystone again and that didn't really work out and when all else failed I turned to volunteering in the Children's hospital here in Macon (where I did my internship senior year of highschool) and they too rejected me. I have really wrestled with the Lord this summer... why didn't He give me that Younglife internship when I have worked at 2 Young Life camps, why didn't He give me a job at Greystone or why didn't He let me volunteer for FREE at the Children's hospital... And Why is it that He has me living at home in Macon and not doing anything? Honestly I have never felt so useless in my life.
Time is so precious and I hate to be wasting it... I tried to work things out and have a plan and AVOID this exact scenario which I find myself in as I type this. If anything this scenario has caused me to really think about my life and see it in action. And let me say that analyzing your life and really seeing your faults is a very hard thing. I've spent lots of time thinking, praying, worshipping and reading and God has really shown me some of the sin in my life. I'm currently reading a great book that I highly recommend called Crazy Love by Francis Chan. I have heard all about it for some time now and I even thought I might had read it way back when, but it caught my eye on the B&N shelf the other day and when I picked it up it enticed me and the words did not look familiar so I thought this would be a good book to read. I dove right into it that night and ever since then my life has been changed. I won't talk about the book that much right now, but I will say that it has made me realize that I am so sinful and disgusting and that my soul purpose of life here on this earth is to be Jesus to others. I have seen selfishness like never before in my life and I see myself angry about things/at people more than I see myself happy. There are so many times when my life reflects anger, selfishness, hatred, etc. (actually a lot of times) and so few times when it represents the love and hope found in the Lord. What a shame! I am so ashamed of myself and think why am I so selfish that I can't even show the Lord in my life and what He has done for me! I mean apart for Him I am NOTHING... I am worthless.
Seeing your sin so freely is so hard and it makes you so upset and sad, but I also think it is important for us to see our sin and see how disgusting we are just so we can understand just what the Lord did for us on the cross and we can be that much more grateful for His death for our sins.
Last night I was wide awake and couldn't fall asleep so I started looking at old pictures and happen to come across some pictures of the Young Life camp in Colorado. While it is beautiful that place means so much more to me because it is really the place where I first realized that I am sinful and that I need Jesus... my life was forever changed that June day back in 2005. It also brings joy to my heart when I think about all the hearts that are being won over to Christ this summer, this month, this week, and even this very day at this very moment in that room and at that camp in Colorado.
The Views from Crooked Creek Ranch... I LOVE this place!
While life is boring and often filled with loneliness this summer as I sit here in +105 degrees in Macon, GA, I find myself becoming more aware of the bigger picture in life and learning to hate my flaws and love the grace that comes from the Lord. I am so grateful for this "free" time and I know the Lord is teaching me something. I know this is a lot deeper post than usual but it's been on my mind this week. It's so awesome to see the Lord at work! I am so thankful for this time of refining.
-Mo
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