Just "roll with it"

So my previous post was a little heavy. I realized that when I looked back on it and my feelings upon my return home from Spain. However, everyday I am learning more and more about the reason why I was in Spain.

I'm not going to lie and say that things are perfect in my world again, because they aren't. This period of transitioning that I have been in since I got back to the USA Dec. 18th (well really the 26th, because I went to Costa Rica) has been quite difficult. Getting back to the English language has been harder than I thought, no really it has been. But also getting back to my life in the US has been harder, things are obviously not the same and life flies by here. There are always deadlines to make, life is crazy and not so relaxed and calm. Upon arriving back to the USA one of the things I had to start working on was figuring out my life out. Not only did I have things to do as soon as I returned home, but I also was trying to process everything that happened while I was in Spain. It is hard for me to think that I wasted a semester in my spiritual life because I was so selfish and didn't want to spend time with God. I have always struggled with guilt and even though I know God with His unending grace has forgiven me for not really taking advantage of that time and so many wonderful opportunities, I still feel guilty. It is something that I will probably feel for the rest of my life, however I am SO thankful for such an awesome God. I stumbled across this song the other day titled "Only Grace" by Matthew West and it has seriously been my theme song this week. I wanted to share some lyrics with you:

There is no guilt here
There is no shame
No pointing fingers
There is no blame
What happened yesterday…has disappeared
The dirt has washed away
And now it's clear

There's only grace
There's only love
There's only mercy and believe me it's enough
Your sins are gone
Without a trace
And there's nothing left now
There's only grace

So not only did I deal with gathering my life back together but, I also had to work on taking the GRE, applying to grad school, working on all of the different applications, move back to Oxford and into a new apartment, figure my summer plans out and somehow enjoy my last semester of college.

It brings tears to my eyes to say last semester of college just as much as it does to say my semester in Spain, because THIS is it. Everything is almost over: my semester in Spain is finished, my time in Oxford is near done, my last semester is approaching me and a new path awaits me after graduation in May. With all that said, I only know what is going on the next 4 months of my life and after that I don't have a clue. I am a planner and the thought of not knowing what lies ahead scares me to death. I know I believe in a God who has perfect plans for my life, but WHEN will those plans be shown to me? Time is running out, okay God... and I need some direction in my life. So another question I keep getting bombarded with is the question "So what are you going to do after graduation in May?" Well, the simple answer is I don't know. I have no idea.

I am currently working on getting my life together and planning the future, but I just can't do it and have quickly realized I just need to "roll with it" as my friend Amy Kenney has told me over the last couple of weeks. You can't plan, you just have to depend and trust on the Lord and He will lead you down the right path. I need to see if what I want and what God wants me to do are the same... I need to figure out if God and I are on the same page. If so I want to attend grad school and pursue a degree in Child Life, work in a big city such as Dallas, marry a guy who is attractive and loves the Lord more than I do and have LOTS of children since I love kids. I am applying to three schools: one it Texas, University of Alabama and one in Ohio. In my world I would love to get into all three of them, go visit and choose the one that I like the best.

I am also trying to gather my summer plans since I am planning on starting grad school in the fall. Just the other day I had a random thought, but gut feeling that I should apply for an internship at a YoungLife camp this summer. This is a paid internship with YoungLife and it's a step up from summer staff. I would LOVE to be in Colorado at Crooked Creek Ranch or Frontier or Lost Canyon in Arizona, but who knows if God's ideas are the same. I hope and pray that they are... we will see. I hope so!

I cannot wait to see what this semester brings. Even though it scares me to think I have no idea what I am doing with my life, God knows. And as for know I am just "rolling with it."

-MO